- screen for domestic abuse
- consult with experts
- take the £10 online Freedom Program to raise awareness
- develop an anti-violent, health and safety policy that enables help seeking and emotional wellness
Why we need expertise & partners to join us in the practice of assertive doubting: my experience with the Freedom Program & Women's Aid.
Living free & alongside men & knowing you matter...
One of the principles you learn about abuse when you go on the Freedom Program is that what matters is the outcomes the abuse brings about in the world, as well as in the woman. This is powerful. By implication it means that I, a woman, matter. And my feelings do. And my thoughts do. This is a bright light to turn on.
But, from the Freedom Program's perspective I am the person who is moved by the actions of another. I am the dependent variable in a sick experiment. When everything is slowed down for me again, and I can see the power plays that I respond to for what they were, I understand that I am not going to able to move the abusive person in this context, because they have no reason to change. While I may be indispensable to them for my add on value, I will not be fulfilled because the abuser's warmth is inflexible to my demands, petitions and wants.
Exposing inequalities & their impacts...
There is no interdependence within these bullying relationships. I cannot be needed because that is extremely threatening to the abusive person; because my value is derived from the abuser, their persona, life history, and strengths. I am saying him and writing he. This is gender bias because there are female abusers, and abusers can group together. Men are less frequently abused than women the statistics seem to suggest. But different studies have pulled out different trends. That's why it's important to look for the affects of the abuse itself and not the method of abuse, because abusers are endlessly inventive, subtle, and adaptive.
The point is that real people aren't caricatures. Real people are complex, contradictory and confounding. Abusive people may exhibit finesse and cleverness, religion and political commitment, fitness and self-discipline, hard working attitudes and organisational, leadership skills. They may belong to docile, encouraging mothers, sweet grandmothers and baby daughters; best friends and siblings, work colleagues and supportive bosses. They may be excellent in all that they do. Or the may be failing. Or they may be somewhere in between.
Why belief is the crux of behaviour & internal illogic...
The Freedom Program is a safe place to explore this and it focuses on the beliefs abusive men hold about women. Psychologists agree that we all hold dissonant beliefs and we can have two conflicting values, which would seem to mutually exclusive. But the human brain doesn't work with categorical logic. It works with feelings, emotions, and deep held assumptions and prejudices we may not even be aware that we hold. This is not to excuse abuse. These facts help to effectively camouflage abuse though, because even among civilians who are not militantly anti-women, there is a residual deposit that is passed to us through cultural transmission, in the media and between the generations of our families. Expectations of how women should behave are constantly changing.
Getting our priorities straight...
When we get a victim's evidence it is irrelevant what the rest of the world sees. Victim's experiences are not tried by women's charities as they would be in a Police station. Women who go to get help from domestic abuse services are not asked to prove anything. We know from research that humans would rather attribute violence to a stranger. The Freedom Program course is a time to practice reflecting on our experience as a guide to life. This is perhaps especially uncomfortable for Christians with their vocal commitments to 'unity.' In a later essay I'd like to examine forgiveness, reconciliation and the Old Testament notion of 'just compensation.'
The intensity of intimacy...
We are usually most experienced with people we know, and they have the most well-developed capacity to hurt us. Indeed, with the exception of stalking, where an abuser desires an introduction to his prey, in domestic abuse instances, violence is enacted with a pretext of familiarity. Throughout the life course, from child abuse, to school bullying, to elder abuse, honour killing, and domestic violence, these acts have an intimate framework, to a lesser or greater degree, that the victim may not even be in a position to influence. It would be absolutely fantastic if churches could help women to see this situation of 'strongmen' who accrue financial, natural, relational and economic resources for their own leverage in a different light. The light of sharing, equal access and community, which gives women a pathway to make their own movements.
Belittling abusive experiences...
Because domestic abuse is the elephant in the room we minimise experiences of abuse when they happen at work, in churches, and in schools. Low-level domestic abuse, or where there is not a clear relationship between victim and abuser, is waved away. But intercepting the trajectory of an abusive person can be unpleasant at any level. Remember that abuse is commonly a cycle. If you have experienced an upside of the cycle then you don't need to witness or experience a violent event to suspect that abuse may be a tool that a certain person may resort to. Abusers can also intimidate psychologically, economically, and coercively without using actual violence. It's imperative that pastors and church workers are trained to prevent violence and can assess its risk as they would any health and safety concern
Preventing violence at the personal level (without blaming oneself for it)...
On the Freedom Program, I saw that I can take control and begin to chose a different response when I am in a situation that taxes me. This sounds easy. It isn't. When you are provoked and anxiety is screaming inside your head it is very difficult not to step into that frame that the circumstances have created. What you have to understand is that abuse conditions you to be a person who behaves differently to how you once would have. I have sworn and gotten angry in a way I hope I never will again.
So what does recovery look like? I may chose a fresh inward response to begin with. One that is not hackneyed from constant, unthinking, fearful repetition. I could hide behind a little lie of connection or deceit with the abusive person while gathering courage to make a better plan. This is extremely frustrating. As an abused person I wanted ultimate truth. Some reassurance that my reality is accepted by the world and I am not going crazy. For this reason, deceit can feel extremely hard to pull off, and it robbed me of emotional energy and self-actualisation too. But it is an option. It is a survival skill, and I have used it. I have lied.
Moving forward & trusting again...
The next idea is to begin to build trust with people who are not abusive. A good church could do wonderful things for recovery at this point if they were sensitive to the journey abused women are on. Whether abuse is recent or historic, we all have to move on eventually, or be doomed to trauma for life. We need spaces in churches that let women find their voices. Good structure enables positive doubting, and there must be a formal element to this. When I asked our rector if he had spoken to women dealing with domestic abuse before he answered 'no'. That is an incredible, and frankly unbelievable statement given his pastoral experience.
Churches should screen for abuse, because if they don't they won't discover it. Assertive doubt in this specific instance means being involved with and aware of the work women's refuges do. There are areas of doubting within the church where our curiosity and empathic listening are not enough. We need to call on secular expertise.
LINKS (sorry hypertext not working, copy & paste)
www.womensaid.org.uk
http://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php