A synonym that's come up for me is the relationship between sacrifice and forfeit. Jesus forfeit his life, Jesus sacrificed his life. Do you understand the difference in tone?
A major long-term goal of mine is to get back into work. Have I sacrificed or forfeit my opportunities to gain experience, or is it a mixture of both? Could I have made better decisions?
This focus on the past has given me sleepless nights and is preventing me from taking logical next steps. Working feeds into an individual's identity. When you don't work you need to still identify as a person. Going back on the job hunt is a process of questioning who you've become.
Small talk
The first question often asked by new people is 'Do you work?'
If you answer 'yes' then they can label efficiently and continue the conversation.
I have to answer 'no' or I may say, 'I volunteer at the moment (which is true.)
This exchange happened to me recently at an event held at Holy Trinity for the Church in Wales. The former Archbishop of Canterbury, Lord Rowan Williams spoke. A clergyman who had moved from London to Wales, near a diocese that borders mine, commented 'Isn't it great to have Rowan here?'
I agreed that his sermon was challenging and relevant to the work the clergy were doing together at Conference.
Before this I had fielded the classic opener with a tailored reply 'No, I don't work at the moment, I came to Holy Trinity Llandudno almost 18 months ago with mental health problems.'
Ahhh, the man nodded. He looked at my telltale hands that bore traces of purplish hair dye on them, and persisted, 'Are you a student?'
'No,' I replied, 'Unless I am about to do something quite spectacular my student days are far behind me.'
I may have mumbled I was a volunteer.
He then felt able to share what he did and why he was there, which was good I suppose and established a genuine connection.
Cutting the fluff
My point is that there are tens of identifiers that are completely irrelevant to small talk. Precisely because strangers are expecting respondents to be direct.
If you can't hit the bullseye with the correct information then you risk strangers' impression being that you are wasting their time. This is a cardinal sin in small talk, and employers hate it too.
Time wasting shows insufficient respect.
The question that bugs me is also related to my own time. Forfeit or sacrifice?
I imagine it's a question that bothers people intermittently.
- if you have left a long term boyfriend or girlfriend
- if you have escaped a violent relationship
- if you have contracted a serious disease that will change your lifestyle
- if you have suffered an accident at work
We all must find our own meaning. If we are Christians we are looking to reflect the values of Jesus in our lives and how we live them, as a friend who is housebound reminds me.
Appealing to a crowd
When the frame enlarges and we include more than an audience of one – who is Jesus, and especially when we expand our activities into the secular world, the pressure grows to show that we can be purposeful, committed to our values, and yet flexible. We need the ability to apply our core beliefs to rapidly changing situations. This is what I have struggled with over the decade I have been removed from the workplace.
I went through a horrendous experience. Unfortunately the divide between work and personal life, that employers traditionally prize as an exemplar of time management, was broken pretty dramatically. Chaotic lives often lead to reduced opportunities to earn money, even when a victim is not 100% responsible for the mess.
What I have found galling is the difficulty I have had convincing other Christians there was a mess in the first place, particularly Christians in authority, leadership and positions of power. I simply have not been able to connect with organisations who, in the majority of instances, will not issue replies to emails, letters, or return phone calls.
The isolation effect
Ironically, the better I was ignored the greater the magnification of the issues I was dealing with appeared to be. Far from soothing me with isolation as one might starve a fever, I became increasingly anxious and my concerns that my Christian values needed protection were legitimated. I realise this may seem arrogant, however, as I became marginalised it became apparent that I had a near unique vantage point, a set of experiences evidently not replicated by congregations who were already in churches local to me, or I assume they would have had the ability to empathise more readily.
Since I have re-engaged with a brick & mortar church, I can see that I created a feedback loop where my opinions were being confirmed by what I expected to find, because my fear and depression were very acute, given that I had gone through protracted experiences that created a repository of pain and hurt that was ever present and at the forefront of my mind. Not least because being aware of potential danger (physical or emotional) seemed extremely relevant to avoiding bad relationships at work, church and in my personal, romantic and family life as I looked to the future. I could not imagine thriving in conditions as severe as those I had already gone through. I worried another dose would finish me off.
Growing thoughts
So, I still ask, was this isolation sacrifice or forfeit? Can I learn anything about the deep respect, honour and love that Jesus holds for me from this time?
The exact mixture of sacrifice and forfeit has become important to me. I am obsessive-compulsive over it and have been for some time, checking media streams constantly for any glimmer of hope; researching churches and leaders that deal with trauma and organisations that minister to the abused and mentally ill.
Gradually, I am learning to loosen my grip on the Church as a source of my redemption. The danger is that as I receive compassion from secular sources my devotion to Jesus as the instrument of my saving will wane. I hope I can continue to blog and that I will be supported by this practice to hold onto what I know to be true about God, that he is good, righteous and he never wished harm upon me.