With the furore created by Andrea Leadsom's crafting of motherhood as essential training for the Prime Ministerial office in the UK, I thought I'd dig-in and give a summary of my conflicting thoughts. Smug motherhood is not an appropriate cure all for society's ills!
Motherhood today is a broader, less uniform construct than ever before!
Why? Let me explain from my vantage as a single, childless person...
- Motherhood is a biological fact & a practice of nurture that can be non-biological. See point 6.
- Biological mothers are on the decline – this is considered a socio-economic crisis by some. We all agree we need mothers. Are they better humans? I doubt it.
- The same demographic facts that prove biological motherhood is decreasing have liberated a percentage of women who chose to remain child free. Why should we shame people (women) who refuse to have children?
- Not everyone who is without children will be 100% happy with the decision. Life is not like that. Expect regrets.
- Contrast this with the thought that not all parents are 100% happy with their parenting and/or offspring. This is one of life's greatest known conspiracies: we have kids and then pretend that we like it slash them. Parents know they have to live with their choices and that makes them superior? This is a faulty premise.
- A popular American Christian step-parenting authority, Ron Deal, of Smart Stepfamilies, said that the old problem was abundant children who were a product of sex. Families of 5+ kids used to be normal, and infant mortality was higher too. Today we enjoy a glut of parents due to all manner of social permutations. Adults, our cup runneth over! We have disproportionate influence over the next generation.
- There are non-mothers who are medically unable to have children even in this age of super charged assistance. This is not a reason to hold a woman up to ridicule or suggest she can't do her job because her uterus doesn't function. Motherhood is but one transferable skill that may, or may not, enhance one's CV (excuse the 'may' punning). Not EVERYONE can be selective.
How about me? The recent scandal in the press covered Leadsom's comments, directed at her running mate and rival Theresa May, that were published in full in The Times this morning. It was insinuated that Motherhood was essential preparation for caretaking the country as female Prime Minister. Conservative leadership candidate Theresa May has no children. I imagine I'm not the only woman in her thirties to be disappointed by this attitude of intolerance Leadsom expressed.
Let's make this personal. I haven't got a massive window to decide if I want kids or not. If I do or don't, this will affect my choice of partner. If I wind up opting for or against, this may affect my choice of job. This is particularly relevant to me because I've been out of the workplace for ten years. Perhaps you can understand my silent scream when I encounter prejudice partiality to mumsy ladies who have been handed their destinies for the Greater Good with not a thought to how the rest of us cope.
If you'd like to know how I vacillate in my views about parenting and my qualifications, then please read my review of a local North Wales parenting event, below.
Care For The Family -- The WHOLE family, which is a metaphor for the CHURCH, bride of Christ
I attended a Care For The Family event on Parenting Under 5's last term. I'm single and don't have sprogs. I have watched 4 nieces and nephews grow from my not too far off vantage as an aunt. There is a minimum 9 years and maximum 19 years between us. Then there's an additional niece belonging to my youngest sister who is out of the under 5 bracket, and still growing. I'm old enough to have been a mother to 3/5ths of my sisters' and brother's brood. I suppose I attended the event to make peace with what has been a trying life phase. From when my youngest nephew was 6 till now I have been at war with religion at one level. The saving instrument of my life was a thorn in my side too. The odd part is that if I were to discuss the church in terms of birthing and bringing up a child, parents everywhere would empathise with my struggle.
Dealing with intimate friction, let the little children come to me
The product of my epic adventure with the church and mental health is that I am pretty fruitless when it comes to close relationships. I've made limited headway with friendships, the majority of which I forged online. Romantically I'm moribund and hope of children is flagging. Nevertheless, there is a spitfire spirit that inhabits parenthood that I admire. Rob Parsons OBE presented fatherhood as one long dogfight. I was grateful, for all his expertise in the subject, he didn't gloss over the friction that exists between generations. I cried and laughed in the Baptist Church auditorium. I saw myself that evening as a child of God who was fighting powers that needlessly frustrated her.
Into glorious light I'm running? Out of darkness, out of shame?
Being a parent who is firm but yielding can't be easy. I've met women in work settings during 2016 who professed happiness living near the sea sans offspring, watching families squabble on beaches; squeal in the bay, and be cheered on as they re-orientated their careers and lifestyles round a haven that's safe for tender ages. In-flow into Llandudno is common, especially in mid-career.
In spite of this, I often find Llandudno an anxious place. As a single person, my experience is that children are the pivot on which the resort turns. Retired populations are growing. School children and the aged tend to take priority. This is a place where young and old live in mutual respect. Frustrations perhaps arise from this where there is an 'influence gap.' There isn't a strong lobby for women in my situation, inside churches, or outside them.
I don't have children, a fact I frequently apologise for. Not to have them, and then to compromise in a second aspect, by remaining in Llandudno where I feel my wings have been clipped by those who I wish had sent me soaring like an eagle in faith has seemed a curse too bleak to bear.
It's not over till it's over
Lately, God has shown me it's possible to dwell here and be happy with no family, if I'm to believe the evidence I've seen. I left the parenting event no clearer if I wanted children or not. I laughed and I cried. I let out the pain. I acknowledged my season and I appreciated the grown adults and adolescents in my life that little better. That's a gift in itself.
Links
Care For The Family are a wonderful organisation. The founder, Rob Parsons OBE, couldn't have been nicer when I met him after the event and explained some of what I've written.
www.careforthefamily.org.uk/
Ron Deal and Smart Stepfamilies, a useful resource for rethinking parenthood.
www.smartstepfamilies.com/view/about-ron-deal